How To Save A Life Alternative
by BringOnTheWonder1997
Summary: Arthur is losing Merlin. Merlin is losing himself. What will happen? Starts very similar to the other one. Now complete xx
1. How To Save A Life

**This one is basically the same as the other one until the end but it will be a two-shot, the second chapter in Merlin's POV. I already have some ideas so I should be able to get it started later this evening.**

**A/N WARNING ATTEMPTED SUICUDE (I do love writing these don't I?)**

**Never thought I'd write a song fic (when I read them the lyrics always really annoy me when I'm reading) but you have to go where the plot bunnies take you...**

**Set after series 3**

**Disclaimer: IDOM**

There was no more death, burning buildings, bad weather (which hadn't been _that_ bad, just bothersome) or damage to fix. Camelot was safe again. Arthur had taken back control of the castle with ease after the immortal army had been vanquished – it wasn't like anyone actually wanted Morgana as Queen.

Especially after her little display involving the Knights and innocent citizens of Camelot – over thirty people had died in that and pretty much everyone in both the castle and lower town knew someone who had died.

But one thing was getting on his last nerve.

His idiotic, cheerful manservant.

Merlin.

Merlin who hadn't been acting his usual idiotic, cheerful self.

Merlin who had been acting ... strangely. Very strangely. Un-Merlin like. (Arthur had decided that Merlin was so unique and his attitude so strange it deserved its own word.) And as much as normal Merlin irritated him and amused him in equal measures, he was kind of missed in comparison to this sullen, quiet Merlin.

It wasn't as though he was concerned for Merlin though (why would it be something like that?) Lancelot and Gwaine had been pestering him about Merlin's depressing mood.

Quite frankly it was killing Arthur's buzz – yes his sister was an evil sorcerer and yes his father had kind of lost it but he could freely show his relationship with Gwen, and he had Camelot back, and Morgana was gone, and ... Merlin was being annoyingly depressing.

The one person he _had_ to see every day.

Not that he saw him every day anyway.

There was no cheeky, goofy smile. No annoyingly witty back chat – which he'd become accustomed to. Just silence.

There was no glaring and frowning either – no visible signs of displeasure or anger. Just smiles that didn't reach his eyes (and he wasn't fooling anyone) and a faraway gaze whenever he wasn't directly involved in the conversation.

From always happy-go-lucky Merlin, this transformation was downright eerie.

_He was being the perfect servant._

How ... terrifying.

_Step one; you say we need to talk,_

_He walks you say sit down it's just a talk,_

_He smiles politely back at you,_

_You stare politely right on through._

_Some sort of window to your right,_

_And he goes left and you stay right,_

_Between the lines of fear and blame,_

_You begin to wonder why you came._

He'd just tried to talk to Merlin. And he'd been blown off and politely dismissed from his own chambers. Why had he bothered?

He remembered now; Gwaine's persistently irritating threats (which wouldn't be carried out), Lancelot's mournful staring (no one was dead were they?) and Gwen's pleading.

They only thing that slightly inclined him to talk to Merlin was Gwen (Merlin was not his friend!)

During the conversation he'd restrained the urge to strangle Merlin – he kept on doing this infuriating scratching motion on his skin – and received no answers. Just silence. He probably would've received more information talking to one of the castle walls.

Not that he talked to the castle walls.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

He was losing Merlin.

And he didn't know what to.

This ... nothing was killing him.

Perhaps this was one of Merlin's plans – he go right back to normal once Arthur complimented him or insinuated he was something within fifty miles of a friend (last time he'd done something like that, Merlin beamed for the next five hours. Even through mucking out the stables and doing Arthur's dirty laundry).

_Let him know that you know best,_

_Cause after all you do know best,_

_Try to slip past his defence,_

_Without granting innocence._

_Lay down a list of what is wrong,_

_The things you've told him all along,_

_And pray to God he hears you,_

_And pray to God he hears you._

He'd tried slipping in his enquires in subtly (well as subtly as he could manage. He _was_ a Pendragon. They had the tact of ... well Merlin.)

He'd tried asking Gaius and Gwaine and Gwen and Lancelot.

He'd tried to follow Merlin (he was NOT being a stalker. Merely a very concerned fri-Master. But really, Merlin spent far too much time in the bathroom. And not enough in the kitchens – the cook kept trying to fatten him up.)

Nothing was working!

It was really very frustrating, and (for Merlin) positively unusual. Merlin couldn't keep a secret to save his life.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

_As he begins to raise his voice,_

_You lower yours and grant him one last choice,_

_Drive until you lose the road,_

_Or break with the ones you've followed._

_He will do one of two things,_

_He will admit to everything,_

_Or he'll say he's just not the same,_

_And you'll begin to wonder why you came._

"I can't do this anymore."

"What can't you do?"

Merlin was silent (how surprising!), his face stoic.

This ... nothing, uncaring was frustrating Arthur beyond belief.

"Tell me what's wrong." Arthur's voice was soft and deadly.

"I can't!" Merlin's voice was louder and reached a higher pitch every time he spoke.

"Consider it an order."

Merlin stared disbelievingly at Arthur for a moment, tears welling in his eyes. He forced them back down and his gaze sharpened, cerulean eyes glowering at him, his back straight and rigid.

"In which case I quit. Sire."

Merlin bowed stiffly and exited the room without looking back.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

_How to save a life._

_How to save a life._

Merlin was missing.

He hadn't turned up to do his chores, to attend to Arthur.

Gaius hadn't seen him.

Gwen hadn't seen him.

Neither had Gwaine, Lancelot, Percival, Elyan or Leon.

None of the castle guards had seen him (then again they were guards – they probably wouldn't notice if a flying chicken danced through the _front_ gates singing opera.)

No one had seen him anywhere.

Arthur was _not_ getting worried.

Really.

He _wasn't_.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

No one had seen Merlin.

But the next time Arthur saw Merlin, he was lying in his bed, idly watching the dagger he had given Morgana inch towards his waiting wrists.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

_How to save a life._


	2. You Found Me

_I found God on the corner of 1__st__ and Amistad,_

_Where the West was all but won;_

_All alone, smoking his last cigarette,_

_I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything."_

Merlin was trembling uncontrollably, shaking, fingers twitching, chin trembling. Arthur was looking at him with so much anger and disappointment. He could take the anger, but he couldn't take the disappointment. He did what he always did in these situations.

He bolted.

Arthur was shaking, he couldn't believe what Merlin had been about to do. Denial settled in, a comforting blanket amidst his troubled thoughts – he couldn't have been doing something like that, he was _Merlin_. Merlin – always cheerful and smiling.

Until recently.

With hollow smiles that didn't reach his eyes and vanished in a few seconds as the lines of misery set in again, eyes staring at something far away.

How long he been losing Merlin? How long had he been hiding behind the mockery of smiles before his heartbreak grew so strong that even his facade started to crumble to pieces.

He needed to talk – to Merlin, to Gaius, to Gwaine, and Lancelot, and Gwen. Someone. Especially Gwen – she would make sense of this.

But he didn't want to worry her.

But he couldn't – wouldn't – cope with this on his own.

With that in mind he walked towards the training fields – he wanted to have a little chat with some of his Knights. He'd also be able to pummel something to death at the same time. And girls said that men couldn't multi-task.

_Where were you when everything was falling apart?_

_All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang;_

_All I needed was a call that never came,_

_To the corner of 1__st__ and Amistad._

Merlin sobbed. He just couldn't take it anymore. He lost everyone – was losing everyone. Seeing Freya again had just brought the pain back, sharper than ever, grief's sharp blade not dulled by time. He hated life. Why did he have to live? Why did Arthur have to have stopped him? Arthur didn't care – he wouldn't care. Not in the end. Magic was evil, after all. Arthur ha told him that himself, and told him thanks for reminding him. He thought his heart might've broken that day, but the pain and loss got worse and worse – Freya, his father, Morgana. Why couldn't he help any of them?

Why couldn't he be with them?

_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me,_

_Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded;_

_Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?_

_Just a little late, you found me, you found me._

The Knights hadn't known anything about Merlin's suicide attempt. Gwaine, Percival, Elyan and Leon had been horrified, Gwaine more so than the others. Lancelot had also looked upset, but there was pity and understanding mingled in his gaze. He knew what had driven Merlin to this.

And he, Arthur, didn't.

Why had Merlin told Lancelot over him, over Gwaine?

And what was it that had driven Merlin to this?

_But in the end everyone ends up alone,_

_Losing her, the only one who's ever known;_

_Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be,_

_No way to know how long she will be next to me._

Freya. His lovely Freya.

He'd wished for forever with her and in the end he only got a week and a half. He'd loved her so much and she'd been cut down by Arthur, by his destiny. She'd been cut down by his destiny. He often wondered if he was why she died – he'd been going to leave with her and Fate hadn't liked that, so it trapped him back with her death. He couldn't even get his revenge – couldn't, _wouldn't _hate Arthur, not ever. Merlin hated Fate (or was it God?) for condemning him to this.

And he loved it for leading him to Arthur.

_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me,_

_Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded;_

_Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?_

_Just a little late, you found me, you found me._

Gaius hadn't known – the look of dismay on his face, coupled with the pity and understanding. His face was a mirror image of Lancelot's. Arthur could understand Gaius knowing what had driven Merlin to this, but Lancelot?

He didn't know why he couldn't let it go that Lancelot knew instead of him (yes he did, images of Gwen and Lancelot were still present in his head).

Gwen had been disbelieving, in denial. Staring into his solemn eyes she realised he was telling the truth. Tears streamed down her beautiful face and he held her tightly to him. Whether to comfort her or himself, he didn't know.

_The early morning, the city breaks,_

_And I've been calling for years and years and years and years;_

_And you never left me no messages,_

_You never sent me no letters,_

_You got some nerve taking all I want!_

Merlin looked out of the window. In the time which he had been out thinking, someone had been in his room and removed anything sharp, or anything with the potential to become sharp. He couldn't understand it – surely they had all seen him descending down the black hole that was depression. None of them had tried to stop him. None of them had seen his messages – crying out, begging for help, for someone to stop him, help him, kill him. None of them had seen before. Why now?

Sunlight streamed in from the open window as the city began to awaken.

He loathed it. He had borne the agony yet another day longer than he'd wanted to.

In the hustle bustle of a new day, he screamed.

The windows shattered.

_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me,_

_Lying on the floor, where were you? Where were you?_

Arthur, Gaius, the Knights and Gwen rushed into the room, to find Merlin curled up on the floor sobbing, surrounded by shards of glass. Gwen rushed to him, and as she pulled him into her arms; she, and the others, checked for any signs of cuts or slashes. There were none.

Arthur knew he wouldn't find out what had almost driven Merlin to _that_ today.

But looking at him rocking gently in his love's arms, he knew that after this, he was closer to unravelling the heart of the mystery.

_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me,_

_Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded;_

_Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?_

_Just a little late, you found me, you found me!_

**I can leave it here or I can add another chapter. Please review and tell me what you think, and if you think I should continue, please suggest a song title (this one preferably slightly sad, something to do with revelations).**


	3. Bring On The Wonder

_I can't see the stars anymore, living here,_

_Let's go to the hill where the outlines are clear._

It was so dark. His life was so dark. It was like a cloudy night, the moon and all of the stars hidden behind the clouds. And he didn't want to feel like that anymore, not for another minute. That was the reason he'd tried to take the only way out he knew he could keep his secret.

By sitting here in Gwen's arms he realised maybe he could tell them his secret and they would stay with him. He knew that Gwaine probably would, Lancelot and Gaius already knew and Gwen might have to get over it – after all she'd been Morgana's maid. He didn't truly care about the other Knights yet – yes, they were his friends and he'd never wish harm on them, but their condemnation would never weigh on him like Arthur's would.

But he couldn't hide anymore.

It was time. Time for the truth.

_Bring on the wonder,_

_Bring on the song,_

_I pushed you down_

_Deep in my soul for too long._

Arthur hadn't believed him at first. Lancelot had tried to stop him from talking. Gaius had looked understanding, despite looking apprehensive and worried as well. The other Knights had just waited and watched. Gwen had held onto him tighter.

He refused to let her go.

_I fell through the cracks at the end of our street,_

_Let's go to the beach, get the sand through our feet._

The world was cracking around him.

Merlin – solid, dependable Merlin, who was cheeky and somehow a witty little brother and wise older brother all at once – was a sorcerer. This meant he was evil. But the words evil and Merlin didn't fit together in a paragraph never mind a sentence. Then again, he never thought he'd put the words Morgana and traitor together. Maybe Merlin was evil.

But looking at the frail, anguished manservant (friend) – sorcerer – in Gwen's arms rocking gently, still forcing his story out and explaining and pleading and sobbing; he couldn't quite believe it. He was hurt and angry yes, but he wouldn't do anything to Merlin. Or, at least, nothing permanent. Merlin had _always_ been there for him when he needed him and it seemed that Arthur had a lot to do to repay that favour.

Maybe he could start now.

_Bring on the wonder,_

_Bring on the song,_

_I pushed you down_

_Deep in my soul for too long._

It felt good. Cleansing.

He was finally free.

And he might die tomorrow at the stake or he might be promoted to Court Sorcerer, or he might be exiled or imprisoned. But he was, at long last, free.

And he couldn't bring himself to care about tomorrow when, just for today, he was free to be himself.

_Bring on the wonder,_

_We got it all wrong,_

_We pushed you down _

_In our souls for too long._

Arthur almost hated himself. Looking at the weak frame of his manservant (friend) – sorcerer – in his love's arms, he hated his father. And more than that, he hated himself. How long had his careless words spoken to please his father been shattering Merlin into pieces?

How couldn't he have seen this?

As Merlin wept in Guinevere's arms, he looked freer than Arthur had ever seen him. And he hated himself for causing Merlin to have hidden like this for so long.

_I don't have the time for a drink from the cup,_

_Let's rest for a while 'til our souls catch us up._

Gwaine was in shock. He had suspected something like magic from his best friend but nothing like the tale that was being woven as the words spun from his mouth, weaving tales of power, magic and sorrow. Loss, pain and love. And he hated himself for not having seen it sooner.

Lancelot was surprised. He'd known about half of the incidents Merlin was talking about and had guessed parts of the others, hearing rumours from his self-imposed exile, and guessing how they fit in with his sorcerer friend. He did not miss the look the others sent him when they found out he had known.

Leon was astounded. A sorcerer (warlock, warlock Merlin's story had said) had lived in Camelot and been accused of having magic and arrested for it, had gotten away none the worse for wear. If he hadn't known Merlin he would have suspected him of using magic to get him freed. Looking at Merlin now, he knew that even if he hadn't known about the magic, he'd known Merlin. Merlin was the same as he'd always been.

Elyan and Percival were neutral. Neither had really had any prejudices against magic (despite Elyan's father being killed due to it). Neither knew Merlin that well either. They'd be sad if he died or was injured but the pain wouldn't be as strong as if (for Elyan) Gwen was hurt or (for Percival) Lancelot was killed. Still they watched and listened and hoped.

All of the Knights of the Round Table had hope.

_Bring on the wonder,_

_Bring on the song,_

_I pushed you down_

_Deep in my soul for too long._

Gwen met Arthur's eyes. There were so many emotions in them – hatred (who for), pain, misery, betrayal, anger and beyond that a myriad of others; love, forgiveness, hope.

Gwen allowed herself to hope.

She had her belief in Arthur.

And she held on tighter to Merlin.

_Bring on the wonder,_

_We got it all wrong,_

_We pushed you down _

_Deep in our souls, so hang on._

Arthur took a deep breath.

Silence.

"So, can you show me that light thing you did in the cave again?"

Silence.

No one spoke.

No one moved.

No one breathed.

Merlin looked up slowly, eyes shining with indescribable emotions, trembling in Gwen's arms.

His eyes flashed gold.

A beautiful sphere of light hovered in the room, almost sensing the atmosphere as it bobbed around nervously.

Wonderful.

Arthur smiled.

And everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

___Bring on the wonder,_

_Bring on the song,_

_I pushed you down_

_Deep in my soul for too long._

Merlin never had to hide himself again.

He was free.

And whenever he felt upset he conjured that same ball of beautiful, wonderful light.

**A/N I'm not too sure about the last bit, but I think it's alright. This will be the end of this fic but if you can review and tell me what you think and if not review my other song fic Reflection and tell me what you think about my song fics. Also tell me if there's anything glaringly wrong.**


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